i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
