I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
