I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
