i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
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