the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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