I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
