he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
