Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
