dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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