Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
