you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
