dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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