I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
