3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
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