So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
