you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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