life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
