he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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