You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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