you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize
