dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
