I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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