Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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