New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
