My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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