I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
