i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize