My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
and she was petting her beer can
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
