you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
