I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
