Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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