the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
