my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
