I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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