Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
