Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
we're so committed to being not committed
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
