I'm gonna have a badass scar
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I want a musical about memes.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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