I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
