Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
