My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My boob is missing a layer of skin
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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