Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
