the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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