So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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