i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
