so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
it's like iHOP with fire
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
