My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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