They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
