Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
