I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
