Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
