i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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