who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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