My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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