If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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