He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros, bitch!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
