Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
