Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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