I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize