according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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