My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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