The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
wow bdsm is so cute
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