dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
